Friday, January 22, 2016

THE HEART OF THINGS (KOKORO)... AND DEATH

"Kokoro" - "The heart of things"
What an interesting read -Kokoro by Netsuke Soseki! Written in 1914.
You can read it or download it here!

The introduction on the page in the link above sums up the message of the story:

"As a short introduction, we can do no better than to quote from a review on the back cover of the paperback, by Anthony West in the New Yorker: 'The subject of 'Kokoro', which can be translated as 'heart of things' or as 'feeling', is the delicate matter of the contrast between the meanings the various parties to a relationship attach to it. In the course of this exploration, Soseki brilliantly describes different levels of friendship, family relationships, and the devices by which men attempt to escape from their fundamental loneliness. The move sustains throughout tis length something approaching poetry, and t is rich in understanding and insight. The translation, by Edwin McClellan, is extremely good."

Divided into three parts, the plot builds up slowly, but powerfully.
It's a story of love, friendship, character and death. Upcoming death hunts its protagonist from all the directions, family and friends, with different meanings and long-term messages.
You are given clues along the way about the future events as you follow the story of young college student and Sensei (the teacher). It seems slowly paced first as the story develops gently, almost in a Zen way; as if the author wanted to give you time to absorb all the clues along the way to the final chapter to make your own predictions.

I was strolling along, catching all the clues along the way, until I finally got catapulted with the Sensei's letter. His writing was elaborated and direct, fast paced and descriptive. His expressive language and well expressed story was a drastic change from slow-paced and mysterious first 2 chapters... I couldn't wait to read all of it to find out the end of the tragic love story!
I won't be a story spoiler and reveal the plot, but I highly recommend it for the value of tapping into the lives of Japanese life in era.

Also, on a human level... this is a therapeutic read for those who are dealing with approaching death of elderly parents, or a suicidal death of someone close to them. Author's thorough break down the process of slowly approaching death of an older generation and intermingles it with detailed accounts of the traditional Japanese family customs of respect and duty. The relationship issues within family: trust, money, independence and expectations are criss-crossed with feelings of love,  friendship, jealousy, inadequacy, and loneliness.

It's a "truism' novel, with lifelong sad learning messages passed to a young student, and also to a reader.
"There is a guilt in loving"
"Give a gentleman money, and he will soon turn into a rogue."
"When the fever passes, the enthusiasm will turn to disgust."
"Distrust the whole humanity."
"Men are pretty helpless creatures, whether they are healthy or not. Who can say how they will die, or when?"

Depressing and moody, dramatic yet withdrawn at the same time. The author is in full of control of holding the harness on these strong human emotions until the last chapter when the reader is finally allowed a full glimpse of Sensei's past story. I highly recommend this reading. Its pace it's easygoing, the writing is clean and simple, yet after awhile you might realize that you dove into a rather deep pool of strenuous emotional human condition. If you are in distress or mournful condition, this read might be very helpful in sorting out your own emotions. If you are wearing rosy pink glasses, this book might bring you right back into reality with a memento-mori imprint on your forehead. Either way, it's a revealing story that will add another dimension to your understanding of human suffering.

Here is the link to the movie the first adaptation of the book by Kon Ishikawa in 1955 (Japanese with English subtitles -2hrs 1m) - other version links available here.










Thursday, January 21, 2016

LONELINESS

"Some days, to the world,
I feel like
the fake drawers on bathroom cabinets
or the false pockets
on a suit's vest;
a reasonable addition
that looks it belongs,
but what possible purpose
will ever serve?

Some days, to the world,
I feel like
a thunderstorm with too little thunder
and too much rain
and no fathomable idea
what to do with all the lightning
growing inside me.

Some days, to the world,
I feel like
a book with no cover and a title page
that is torn;
I am filled with words
but only those that care to read
will ever understand
what I am about."
                        Tyler Knott Gregson

Today is one of those days... it must be the loneliness that is kicking in!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

NUREMBERG

"Gdansk" by Dorota Quiroz, 2012
Nuremberg is the second city on my list that I adore. Gdansk is AND always will be my first one.

I spent 4 years in Nuremberg (1988-1992), lived in 7 different locations, walked its streets and enjoyed my new found life in the West. This is where I met my husband and where I delivered my 2 sons. It's very close to my heart and I dream of coming back to refresh my memories.

What I noticed in my travels in the early age is the unintended ignorance or lack of awareness about my surroundings.





The city of Albrecht Durer, Adam Kraft, Veit Stoss, Nurnberg Trials and delicious Nurnberger sausage was hardly on my mind when I lived there.


Defendants at Nuremberg Trials, courtesy of National Archives (USA), 1945

"Self portrait" by Albrecht Durer


During my stay there, I have never really purposely explored, observed, or read about any particulars until I left... What a shame! Don't take me wrong. I was sightseeing all the time, but without previous background or knowledge of history. I visited the castle, I walked the grounds of the Dutzendteich Park and its famous October Fest and Reichsparteitag grounds (where annual rally of Nazi Party took place), I shopped at the Christkindlmarkt, I spent quality time in the Green Goose Bar (rock bar) and wandered the streets of the Wall...



Is there a lesson to be learned? Absolutely! Explore the surroundings of your current location... do some research and find out what you missed while you are there, so you could actually make time to experience it yourself while you can!

"Nurnberg" by Dorota Quiroz, 2012

The planned trip to see old corners of this great city was planned for 2014 but had to be regretfully cancelled due to my unexpected move to Japan. I know though, that when I'm in Europe again, I will make a long awaited stop to bring old good memories back!




Friday, January 1, 2016

MY WORDS

by Dorota Quiroz

My Words, my enemies...
Image from http://englishedrissis.blogspot.jp/2011/04/power-of-words.html
Fighting me constantly
Ready to pierce
With the coldness of their swords

My Words, my hostages...
Fed with emotions
Ready to escape
To revenge their silence

My Words, my thieves...
Stealing my peace of mind
Ready to take away
What is the dearest to me

My Words, my addiction...
Injecting poison in my heart
Ready to burst it
With a rapid high

My Words, my pride...
Deformed by accent
Ready to gleam
At the sound of conversation

My Words, my babies...
Born of my thoughts
Ready to be aborted
So they won't cause problems

My Words, my life...
Surviving under extreme conditions
Ready to die
At my command

Thursday, December 31, 2015

WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT I DO?

BACKGROUND NOTE FROM ME: In 2014 I took a very deep interest in philosophy and to expose my stunning ignorance of philosophical concepts I decided to deal with a nagging existential question of what does it matter what I do? I wrote this short polemical essay first in 2014 without looking up any philosophical concepts and refined it in 2015.

Beauty and Beast by Dorota Quiroz 

When I think about this very important question: "WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT I DO?" that keeps popping in my head every time I attempt to do something hard, important or when I want to invest effort in a worthy cause, I catch myself categorizing my self-doubting answers along those lines:

1. NO ONE IS COUNTING!

When I'm done with this whole life deal, will someone be there to tally my efforts, good deeds and struggles?  Can I get the praise and reward on my good doing while I'm still alive? Karma is not a very reliable source of getting back what I have put into spreading good deeds around me. Evil doers and Little Makers are most likely to be punished (but not always) during their lives but what about the good doers being rewarded for their good doing during present time? 

The question of doing good during your life time because otherwise you will be punished later in afterlife seems like a bribery. Or even expecting something good in return for doing good seems egotistical and self-indulgent. What if there is no reward or punishment like we were taught in our religious upbringing? After all, it's pretty sour deal if there are no consequences for our deeds in after life. What if there is just nothing and really only your consciousness is the only judge that will torture you during your lifetime but maybe not after death? 

Liar, Liar (after Andre Kertesz) by Dorota Quiroz
I guess it comes down to your spiritual beliefs and what system of judgement it supports. The need for a greater being or a power to be the Counter of all deeds is overwhelming… otherwise, in a way, all Good Doers are cheated out of their reward and Evil Makers are excused for their bad behavior. 

Yet, another point emerges in this debate… What we do is what we are. 

Let's assume there is no eye in the sky that is watching us... Do Good Doers have better lives versus Evil Doers without the third eye keeping the tab? I have known people who did bad things and the troubles and vices they have to deal with on a daily basis - a perpetual trail of unhappiness, tears, pain and chaos - was a permanent tattoo on their souls. In itself, such a living seems like an exhausting venture to hell on earth and constant dealing with after shocks of such disastrous existence, one would be actually happy to leave this place for whatever is next with a thought that it can't get any worse than what was experienced so far. 

Duality (after Andre Kertesz) by Dorota Quiroz
The existence of a Good Doer is more peaceful and joyous in itself because of the positive attributes of doing good onto others. I'm not saying that the lives of Good Doers don't have their own problems, but when one lives everyday with a mission to be good, helpful, productive and inspiring, such problems melt in the light of what one tries to accomplish. Is that the ultimate reward that we are looking for in our lifetime? Harmony, happiness and peace?

2. IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE!

The awful thought that we and our dreams and achievements have no real influence on the larger world is very destructive. Such perspective is often experienced when one is exposed to large crowds or when one realizes through travel, reading and time how big the world is and how small we are in a proportion to it. Even our biggest achievements that we struggled to accomplish can be viewed as minuscule in the world record book of human invention and discoveries. The realization of our mediocrity against the measurement of human genius is a true motivation crusher and debilitating disease of blaming God on lack of talent as did Salieri in "Amadeus". 


Yet, are these individual endeavors of any lesser value because they don't measure up in the larger scale of human accomplishment? We are not all here to break records, win gold medals and invent cures for cancer (although it would be nice) and our individual strive for betterment of ourselves and the world around us is in a way an individual strive of making humanity and the world a better place. What we do and what we dream adds another pixel point to a large photograph of who we are as a human race. Bad deeds work the same way… from small lies and gossip, to theft, rape and murder - these all do matter in a greater human picture of what evil we are capable of, and making the portrait of us that much darker. 

The idea that it won't make any difference in a long run is a deceitful one. The affect of our good and bad deeds, can be short-lived or long termed and direct beneficiaries of either action are usually the people around that person followed by new generations. The butterfly effect concept applies not only to physics but also to everyday actions. 

Think about the message in a famous movie by Frank Capra "It's a wonderful life". It deals with an idea of the importance of our existence or nonexistence. It's a double edge sort again with good doers and evil doers, for we wish for the existence of the first and nonexistence of the second. At the same token the assumption that nothing good comes out of existence of a bad person is also fallible. Such existence might prompt the surge of good-doing, therefore appropriating the existence of evil. 


3. NOTHING BUT WASTE OF TIME!

As I sit here and write this essay, I start to ask myself: "Why am I even bothering with writing this…. I'm not inventing anything new or coming up with original thought or idea,  I'm just wasting my time on writing something that no one will read, learn from or even appreciate it!" 

The answer is that I'm writing this because it's pleasurable to hear the sound of typing keys. I'm writing this because I need an excuse to get away from the mundane life of daily habits. I'm writing because it's a way to organize and clarify my fleeting thoughts, a way to leave something behind me.

It's only human to have some kind of input in a greater scheme of things, to leave some trace of one's existence behind for future generations without worrying if it will make any difference or not. The belief that we actually can do that today shows progress of humanity as a whole. Think about Middle Ages and a number of people who were able to read, write, and to produce knowledge, to affect anyone... Today, with the spread of learning, knowledge and technology more people can make a contribution to the larger domain of human intelligence.

What I write today might be lost in a digital world or be destroyed by fire or flood, if it's in a printed version, yet the possibility of what could happen to this little blurp is infinite and exciting. It could be the only document surviving from year 2015 as manuscripts found at Herculaneum after the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and could be studied by famous scholars and stored under strict rules of preservation. And then of course, it could be another entry on a blog that no one reads and makes no sound when falling in the forest.

It seems that instead of answering the question, I found myself asking more questions... which I think is a point of searching for meaning. I find philosophy very helpful in understanding that I'm not the only one who faces such dilemma. It is supportive of notion that human beings, the rational animals that we are, will try to understand our purpose here in this world and use the knowledge we possess in determining where we are going and why...


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

HER NAME WAS LOLA, SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL!

There are dogs and there are pugs!
There are pugs and there is LOLA!

Her Name was Lola, She was a showgirl by Barry Manilow


Pug is a special kind of breed: active, dedicated and eclectic as well as annoying, stubborn and even outrageously inconsiderate, especially when you need peace and quiet.

Lola, my love
Fat Pancho
Pancho and Lola, Son and Mother

Pancho and Lola

A pug snorts, snores and grunts with occasional wet spits, slobbers and soft licks. It is a walking sound machine...


Pancho, the curious pug








Pancho the Clown

Yet, despite of such striking contrast of characteristics, the pugs are so far the most adorable breed of dogs I have ever owned and nothing breaks my heart more than leaving my pug Lola, while traveling to and living in Japan for extended amount of time. 


Lola looking guilty

Lola inspecting grass
Lola, the beach bum

Lola sunbathing
Daddy's Favorite Girl!

Lola, the daughter I've never had 


Lola with her favorite Zombie
Lola, the pirate
I miss her loud snores, muted grunts, whizzing breaths and chocking coughs. I crave her sleepy blank stare and attentive gaze when being called to cuddle. I dream of the smell of her paws and extended stretches on the couch. Lola is always on my mind...
Lola, my walking companion

Lola, the porch bum
All those who ever owned or own pugs now can surely relate to my sorrow and feel my heartache... Lola was my walking companion, always by my side in a kitchen or sleeping in a chair waiting for her neck to be scratched... She is in good hands now, but I so wish she came along with me on my Pacific Adventures!

When I did some research on pugs, I found some lovely images in art of pugs and their adoring owners across the time. Here are some examples of pugs in art and photography.


A girl with a pug by Charles Burton Barber 

"Lola, the birthday girl" by Dorota Quiroz


"The Fountaine Family" by William Hogarth, 1730
George Selvyn by Reynolds
"Lola, exercising" by Dorota Quiroz


Untitled
Richardson Brothers, 1901
This historical pug photograph is from "A Thousand Hounds"
by Raymond Merritt & Miles Barth Published by Taschen

"Princess Golitsyna" by Luis Michael van Ioo
"Lola, the wine enthusiast" by Dorota Quiroz


Vintage Boy with pugs

Pug Study 
Queen's pugs



For more pug art, please check out Nick Water's Website "The Pug: Heritage and Art"